As the rainy season starts, my moods start to shift again. I’ve been trying my best to fight this downward spiral, but it’s always been very difficult. And whenever I fail, like what is happening now, I can’t help but feel even more ashamed, frustrated, and hopeless.
I feel a whole bunch of feelings at the moment. I feel like I want to isolate myself, but I also feel like I want someone to talk to about the dark and ugly things. I feel like nobody needs me or sees any value in me, and yet, I want someone to care and be there. I want to reach out and cry to someone, but I’m convinced I am not worthy of that time and effort. I want to be vulnerable, but I am ashamed.
I keep questioning what all this is for. What is this life for? What is this job for? What is this relationship for? What is all of this for? And I can’t find any answers.
I long for a sense of purpose and a feeling of being needed, and I cannot find it anywhere. The thought that this whole world would be fine without me makes my heart ache. The thought that I have been trying so hard to be a good person and live a meaningful life and still feel inadequate hurts.
I thought the things I needed in life were straightforward – to feel loved, to feel needed, to feel like I belong somewhere, to feel like I matter, and to feel I am enough. And I spent the last few years trying to find these – in being a better daughter, in being a diligent employee, in doing charitable works, in being available for my friends, in trying to be a good girlfriend, in always being dependable, in being able to fix things.
But it feels, even with all my hard work, that I have not done enough. It feels that no matter how hard I try and no matter how much good I do, the ugly side of me will always disregard all of that. I feel, once again, that I am only loved when I am beautiful, useful, and happy – not when I am sad and ugly.
I think most of us just want the same things – to feel like we matter, that the world, or at least one person’s life in this big, lonely planet, would not be the same without us; that we’re amazing regardless of our flaws; that we’re needed because we are loved – no questions, no conditions. Because if we don’t and we’re not, then what is all of this for?