Musings

What is all this for?

As the rainy season starts, my moods start to shift again. I’ve been trying my best to fight this downward spiral, but it’s always been very difficult. And whenever I fail, like what is happening now, I can’t help but feel even more ashamed, frustrated, and hopeless.

I feel a whole bunch of feelings at the moment. I feel like I want to isolate myself, but I also feel like I want someone to talk to about the dark and ugly things. I feel like nobody needs me or sees any value in me, and yet, I want someone to care and be there. I want to reach out and cry to someone, but I’m convinced I am not worthy of that time and effort. I want to be vulnerable, but I am ashamed.

I keep questioning what all this is for. What is this life for? What is this job for? What is this relationship for? What is all of this for? And I can’t find any answers.

I long for a sense of purpose and a feeling of being needed, and I cannot find it anywhere. The thought that this whole world would be fine without me makes my heart ache. The thought that I have been trying so hard to be a good person and live a meaningful life and still feel inadequate hurts.

I thought the things I needed in life were straightforward – to feel loved, to feel needed, to feel like I belong somewhere, to feel like I matter, and to feel I am enough. And I spent the last few years trying to find these – in being a better daughter, in being a diligent employee, in doing charitable works, in being available for my friends, in trying to be a good girlfriend, in always being dependable, in being able to fix things.

But it feels, even with all my hard work, that I have not done enough. It feels that no matter how hard I try and no matter how much good I do, the ugly side of me will always disregard all of that. I feel, once again, that I am only loved when I am beautiful, useful, and happy – not when I am sad and ugly.

I think most of us just want the same things – to feel like we matter, that the world, or at least one person’s life in this big, lonely planet, would not be the same without us; that we’re amazing regardless of our flaws; that we’re needed because we are loved – no questions, no conditions. Because if we don’t and we’re not, then what is all of this for?

 

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